Goemon VS Sharaku

"Hey, Goemon, what's wrong? Could it be that there's already a new case?"

Banners of "Cursed Water" and "Portraits" fluttered in Honegahara Square. They had become a well-established way for Sharaku to earn some pocket money.

"I don't want to be overworked so I just thought to stop by. It might be a good idea to have you draw my portrait."

"Huh? What kind of a logic is that? We're too late for a memorial portrait, we're already dead."

Sharaku's witty remarks are incredibly sharp. We're all already "deceased," but we're not zombies; we get hurt, get hungry, get sleepy, and have desires.

"It's not a big deal, but you know, we all took a photo the other day, right? And it made me realize that I've never had a decent portrait drawn. I've seen so many wanted posters of Ishikawa Goemon, a wanted man with an ugly face."

"Haha! So that's why! I had one done too, and it was a really horrible face, an ugly man who looked nothing like me. I even thought about making my own wanted poster and putting it up."

If anyone were to overhear our conversation, they would either not understand it at all, or would frown at how disgusting it is. But these kinds of tasteless jokes about the dead are exactly what make up the entertainment of hell. Although I think everyone is mixing in a fair bit of self-deprecation.

"Anyways, that's why I thought I'd have you draw me while things are still peaceful. Here, this is a gift in addition to the payment."

"Bonbontei sandwiches! I'll go buy some drinks then. I still have a few bottles of hot spring water left, so if anyone comes, sell these to them."

"Okay, leave it to me."

As soon as Sharaku ran off, a high school girl came up.

"Um, is this the water shop where I can get a boyfriend?"

When asked, I couldn't help but smile. 2,000 yen for a bottle of hot spring water was quite a rip-off, but Sharaku's logic is that "anything is fine as long as it gives me a reason to get closer to the other person".

If I wanted to be loved, I had no choice but to get closer, just like how I kept praising her dango for how delicious they were.

"Yes, this water."

"Does it really, really work?"

"Unfortunately, I can't guarantee that. But I'm sure there's someone out there who's connected to your red thread."

"Red thread?"

Damn, I wonder if high school girls these days don't know the legend of the red thread anymore.

"It's like an old tale. A red thread is tied around a person's pinky finger, connecting them to their soulmate."

"Wow! That's so romantic! I've never heard of it before! Can I write online that I heard it from you, mister?"

"Please do."

"I'm so happy, I feel like if I confess, it will work! I hope my red thread is connected to him! So, can I have a bottle of water please?"

"Thanks for your business."

"I'll report back if it's successful."

"Yeah, I'll be waiting."

I was beginning to sound like a suspicious fortune teller, but it was my duty to reassure her. Just as she left, Sharaku returned, a grin twirling at the corner of his lips.

"I saw it, my lord has a talent for scams too, clearly."

"Don't call it a scam. I wholeheartedly support her love."

"I see, so the red thread is already outdated."

"But maybe this will spread on the internet and be revived again. Rumors and legends tend to appear to have died out, but then suddenly become popular again."

"Yes, that may be true. But I wonder where the red thread originally came from?"

"According to a book I read, it seems it's from a Chinese legend. Apparently, it was originally a red rope."

"A rope?! Are they criminals?"

"There is a god who governs matchmaking, and he chooses a man and a woman and ties a rope around their feet. If they fall in love with someone other than their destined partner, they will never be united, and in the end they will marry the people connected by the red rope."

"Hmmm..."

Sharaku then handed over the iced coffee he had bought and continued.

"When I hear that, it sounds romantic. But when I think fate is something that is orchestrated by someone, it pisses me off."

"I agree."

Sharaku took a sip of his iced coffee and looked displeased. Then he turned to me and smiled.

"This isn't very good. The one Goemon makes is a hundred times better."

"Thank you very much."

"When I was alive... No, it would be more accurate to say "where" I was alive, there was a terrible culture there. As a vow of pure love, they would cut off their pinky fingers and send it to the person they loved."

"I've heard of it."

"If you think about it objectively, you can't hold someone's heart with just a little finger."

"Well, I guess people all over the world, past and present, want to express their resolve and determination."

"Goemon, would you give up your finger for the person you love?"

"I wouldn't hesitate to give up a finger or two for the person I love, but... I think I'd be happier if we were married."

"Did you propose to her when you were still alive?"

"I was too stupid to make it in time. I had it made, but I got caught before I could put it in her hair."

"If you have regrets like that, you'll never be able to die in peace."

"But the reason I couldn't make it in time was because I was a coward. When I was alive... I just couldn't say I love you."

"That kind of kindness is typical of Goemon."

"'Kind' isn't a compliment in this case."

"You two are so straightforward when it comes to love."

Sharaku puts his slightly melted iced coffee on the ground and peels off the wrapper from his sandwich.

"I'm starting to get scared now. I realized that loving someone is really difficult."

"I'm an old man born in the Azuchi-Momoyama period, so I'd be happy to give you advice."

"Don't hold a grudge."

"I like this one too."

"Hmm..."

Sharaku nodded with a bored look on his face as he took a big bite of his corned beef and cabbage sandwich. But we were quite aware of it. When he behaved like this, it was because he was being spoiled in his own way. Although spoiled might be a bit of a stretch, it was because he wanted someone to listen to what he had to say.

"We're dead, aren't we?"

"Yes, we're dead."

"The hell guardian must be overjoyed to receive the soul guarantee certificate. I mean, as the daughter of King Enma, her soul is safe, right? She won't disappear anymore right?"

"You sound like you want her to disappear."

"No, I wouldn't think that. I hope she continues to play happily with Tamaemon forever."

"Sharaku? Isn't this the part where you say, 'From now on, she must be happy by my side'? Of course, Tama is important too."

"In that long, long 'from now on' Goemon... are you confident that the hell guardian won't abandon you? Of course you are, and that's why you can remain so confident."

What's with this cute guy? I thought about patting him on the head, but treating him on the same level as Shinpei would be a bad idea.

"For a handsome man who is dripping with the waters of the lustful paradise, he seems awfully weak-willed."

"Because I've never really fallen in love with someone before."

"She's the first and last for me too."

"Don't be so confident, I don't like that about you Goemon. In the end, the person a woman will choose is a man with integrity and chivalry like you."

"That's just a needless worry. We know better than anyone that she's not the type of woman to just switch men so easily."

"I know, you're right, she wouldn't do that. It's just..."

"Just?"

"...I wonder if I'm the right person for this, that's the question."

I decided not to tease him. After all, I was the one who caused her so much pain.

"If you say it like that, then I should have killed myself."

Sharaku gasped.

"I had made up my mind. I would never forgive anyone who came forward to hurt or torment her. And that's exactly what happened. Because of me, she had to bear unnecessary pain and guilt... and met a horrible death. Even a trillion years of hell wouldn't be enough to cover my sins."

Sharaku drank about half of his iced coffee and slumped his shoulders.

"Women are strong, aren't they? Even after all that... she still loves you."

"I think that kind of 'strength' is her true nature. We said some pretty harsh things to her at first, didn't we?"

"Really? Goemon was kind from the start, saying things like 'We're all in this together.'"

"...I guess so."

"You can't fool my eyes."

"Well anyway, she didn't get discouraged by our harassment, she even took on all that pain, and still tried to encourage us. I can trust her as a 'comrade'. Even if I put aside the fact that I'm in love with her, she's someone I can trust."

"Did you tell her that? She would be very happy."

"I didn't say it out loud, I was too embarrassed."

"Hahaha, I know! That's actually more embarrassing than trying to woo someone. Come on, why don't you have a sandwich?"

"Then get me a salmon sandwich..."

"Um, I came here to buy some true love water!"

"Shinpei!"

"Oh, Mr. Fujimori, come in. As a courtesy, I'll give it to you at half price."

"Huh? Is that okay? But won't the effectiveness be halved if you sell it for half the price?"

"Shinpei, I have one piece of advice for you. I think it would be better to confront Kiku's sister head-on rather than resorting to these tricks."

"Brother?! How do you know about that?!"

"Huh? You thought I hadn't noticed? Everyone knows it."

“Eh!?”

"I agree with you that being straightforward is better than tricks. If you want, you can even ask corporate slave to call her to the Gate of Hell."

"It's too early for that! For now, correspondence is fine."

"Oh you got a reply? That's great!"

"No, not even one yet."

Sharaku and I secretly tried to hold back our laughter. I felt sorry for Shinpei, but that Azami was pretty clumsy too. My hunch was that they would eventually fall in love with each other.

"Azami-san is my... my... first love. But, you know, they always say that first love never comes to fruition. That's why I'm so anxious..."

"It's okay, Shinpei. She was both my and Sharaku's first love, and it came to fruition."

"Goemon!! Don't say anything unnecessary!"

"Huh? What!? Not just my brother, but Toshuusai too!? But you both look like you've made out with as many women as there are stars in the sky!?"

"But, there were a lot of things that happened before it came to fruition. You know that... right?"

"Brother! Don't say that! I had fun being with you! Really!"

It's not just her. Shinpei is quite the oddball as well.

"So before I was killed, I desperately prayed to Enma..."

I wish she and Shinpei would just act like they had never forgotten about me.

"Brother, there's something called 'Mumei' in Hell, right? Maybe .......she can disappear too?"

Sharaku and I were unsure how to encourage him. We can't say for sure that something like that would never happen.

Shinpei stared intently at the line of cursed water.

"There's a legend about the Sanzu River, right? I wasn't able to carry Azami when she died, but I aim to be the man who loved her the most. I'm also doing muscle training so I'll be able to carry her whenever I want. So... I hope she won't disappear until I go to hell."

"That's good, to say you've fallen in love with her all over again. When a woman hears words like that, she can't just disappear."

"Huh? Is that so...? But it's annoying when someone forces their affection on you one-sidedly. I'll try my best to make her like me more. But first... I have to like myself."

I was about to pat Shinpei on the head, but I held myself back. It was no use treating him like a child anymore; he was a fine man in love. A long, icy time had passed, and many things had changed. I, her, Shinpei, Yona and the rest had all updated a bit. We may be dead, but surely there's still something more we can do.

"Okay, Shinpei. Come over for dinner tonight. Our lady will be frying tonkatsu."

"Wow, that sounds delicious! Can I try it?"

Yes, we are all alive together, carrying everything on our shoulders here.

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